Do you ever feel like you are the thing sticking out? I feel like parenthood has brought a whole new area of life to feel insecure about. To feel like you are sticking out like a sore thumb or somehow showed up naked to work. First it was did I have the right diaper bag and stroller (which I could truly care less about. I wanted function). Then it was how was my child progressing through the baby stages. Does she have her first tooth? Is she talking? Walking? Jumping? Swimming? Now it feels like if I am "neglecting" something that she should be involved in, I am stunting her ability for the rest of her life.
I took Lainey to her ballet class today and met the two other moms there with their girls. They were incredible sweet and friendly women that were ready to engage in conversation. We began with small talk about kid's names, ages, etc. That quickly turned into where did everyone live. Thankfully I rent a two bedroom apartment in the same area that they own their 6,000 square feet dream homes. One of them had to move to another neighborhood because the home she had built was surrounded by too many investors and not enough families. To which the other woman offered, "You'll find more families in the lower end home areas, like the $700k-$800k homes." I kept my mouth shut for most of the conversation because I just don't even run close to that level.
Preschool is another area that is causing me anxiety. My oldest turns three in December and I swear I have been getting questions of when she will enter preschool for two years now. Am I crazy that she is not on some waiting list yet for preschool? I don't plan to put her in until next fall since she can't enter Kindergarden until she is almost six, due to her December birthday. I figure two years of preschool is plenty of prep. Is that wrong? Will she be at a huge disadvantage? She will be doing ballet and some sort of art class this year. But that is more because she is so social and is not a homebody. We are "on-the-go" type girls.
I recognize that I live in an affluent area. Most of the time I have no issues driving up the hill to our home behind a Bentley and Aston Martin in my 2004 Ford Explorer. I know that I don't really belong, but am so thankful to be a visitor for a while. Today, it struck a nerve. Do I keep my kiddos in this culture of "success" and influence that there is always more to be gained? I grew up believing that there would always be people with more, which is not a big deal. Growing up (and even now) my friends with more invited me on vacations I wouldn't normally go on or I could borrow their clothes or get their hand me downs which was awesome!
New stages of motherhood are arriving as my children get older. More interaction with moms that are not my girlfriends. New set of expectation. New set of "normal." I tend to fight "new" until it feels inevitable that I must embrace and accept it. I'm unsure if my insecurity comes from my desire to have what others have, or if it is the fear of being rejected for not having what they do and being excluded or looked down upon because of it.
Not sure why I care today. But...I do.